Trade-Offs

As a counselor, while I sit alongside others, it is often easier to identify resolve to their problems than to stop and look inward at my own heart and bring forth change to things that leave me unsettled.

Beginning private practice at the beginning of 2011, working with passionate and caring coworkers, and serving people has been a wonderful and fulfilling experience in my life.  I, however, struggled from day one to find “work/life balance.” I wondered how to give my all to clients (which I desire and they deserve) and my family with two toddlers (which I also desire and they so too deserve).

With this continuous concern, God placed situations in my life that confirmed my unsettled heart as a sign for movement. He spoke to me about trade-offs instead of balance. I was then left with the easily answered question of whether or not there is anything more important right now than being available for my kids. I recognize that for me, there is not. In this season, I am called to return home and place my full focus on our young family and its tender, impressionable age. (I do laugh as I am aware that I am in for some hard work)

I will be pleased if there is a time again in my life that I can incorporate counseling as it was such a joy. It has been a wonderful pleasure and blessing to be a part of so many lives and to see God’s hand at work. Who knows what the future holds and I can only wait and see as I never expected to return home after pursuing this career.

I do believe that as a stay at home mom I will see even more of God’s work and hand in the lives around me. What a wonderful life I have to see so much of his provisions!  I know that am truly blessed!

Luckily for you, writing will be one of my outlets for long, hard and fun filled days.

That Side of Me

In the hectic season of being a mother of toddlers, I have put away my own toys to make room for blocks, Little People, and books that entertain my kids.  Honestly, I believe I originally put them away to keep them from being torn, slobbered on or eaten, but gone they are all the same.

The excuse over the last few years for leaving my toys “in storage” however has been lack of time. 

As a mom, wife, and therapist I certainly don’t have time to “play,” right? 

Or do I?

Surely I do play with my kids/spouse/family. We do fun activities together like zoo outings.  These are nice.  I get to do something fun… BUT I also maintain a role of responsibility in this activity. 

So does this count?

I also place reading for work as downtime. (Nice try but not real fun)

What I wonder when I consider these examples is – how am I taking a break for fun in these situations?

I realized today while participating in a life balance activity that I am far removed from the fun version of me.

Who is that?

Where do I find her?

What would it be like if she were a part of my life again?

So my new challenge is to MAKE time for fun.

Maybe as I pull my toys back out I will find a part of me that has been missing. 

For in this time of my life, toys are no longer just for fun.  Toys are for balance.

Moving Past Denial

You may have heard at some point that there are identified stages to grief.  I have recently been reviewing stages defined by Kubler Ross known as denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.  These were designed to assist with the process of bereavement, but have also been found to be helpful in dealing with other situations involving loss such as divorce and life changes.

This weekend I had a small revelation when thinking about the first stage, denial.  I started thinking about what it is like to be in denial…

Numb

Moving through the motions

Making decisions out of the wrong place

Disavowing any need for feeling

I began to realize that it is a place where we are blocking God.  He meets us in our various emotions including sadness and grief.  When we choose to remain numb, avoiding our emotional and relational natures, we are not sharing and connecting with him.

Denial is a lonely place. A place where we can remain stuck and isolated.  It is a brick wall, a mask to who you are inside.  Luckily our Father in heaven knows us no matter the stage.  The only problem is we are not relating with him in our place of denial.

1 Peter 5:10 says, And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace who has called you into his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Surrender your emotions.  

Begin the process and do not to prolong the restoration, confirmation, strengthening and establishment of your purpose for his glory.

Who Really Wants to be This Busy?

I sit here today with so many tasks to accomplish; feeling rushed and knowing there is not enough time in my day to tackle all my goals.

I keep asking myself, "Why?".  

Why is it so important to take my child to the doctor, get the house cleaned, the shopping complete, do laundry, change sheets, chauffeur kids to and from school, and meet with friends all in one day?  (Let me put a side note that this is my “day off”.)

Why is it I feel so much better if I accomplish all of these tasks?

Why do I feel anxiety if I see the clock running out before I can check each item off for the day? 

It seems completely irrational to me that my emotional stability is tied to completing tasks, however, here I am knocking out a blog and wondering if I will still have time to vacuum before I pick up the kids…because I will feel better.

Can anyone relate?  Surely I am not alone.

I know this is not healthy, but we all have our own hang ups.

So here is my why answer.

I am placing my self-worth in accomplishments.  I feel like I need a clean home, well stocked kitchen, and time to pretend I have it all together with friends so that I can feel in control.

Crazy that I do this because I KNOW I am not in control.

So lesson learned today is that even though we sometimes know the truth, we do not always apply this knowledge in our actions. 

Take a look at what you have going on. 

Is it reasonable?  Is it healthy? 

Ask yourself what you know to be true and see if your walk is aligned. 

Off to clean!  (Agh!)

Turn, Turn, Turn

As the weather warms and spring approaches, I am reminded of other cycles in our lives.

Often I hear from couples who say, I just don’t feel the love for him/her that I once did.

I hear this primarily from young couples.

Those older, established marriages that are a commodity, grin at these statements.  “Yeah, that happens.” 

It is a season.

Just like the earth, our marriages have seasons. 

Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages also has a book on this topic.

Gary introduces seasons in marriage as:

Hopeful (Spring), Satisfied (Summer), Distant (Fall), and Unsettled (Winter)

These reoccur throughout marriage just like our earthly seasons of spring, summer, fall and winter.  The advantage with marital seasons, however is that you can work to decrease occurrences and length of fall and winter.

Just as we generally know the weather patterns with earthly seasons, we can become aware of indicators in each marital season and learn to navigate effectively. 

If you desire to understand marital seasons and you need strategies, I recommend Gary Chapman’s book, The Four Seasons of Marriage.

For those of you who don't enjoy or have time for reading, below is a chart of the seasonal qualities Gary mentions in the first chapters of his book.

As always, reach out for help when you get stuck.

	Spring	Summer	Fall	Winter
Emotions	Exciting, joyful, hopeful	Happy, satisfied, accomplished	Fearful, discouraged, resentful, unappreciated	Rejected, hurt, lonely
Attitudes	Optimistic, grateful, loving	Trust, striving for growth, comfortable	Concern, uncertainty, blaming	Negative, frustrated, hopeless, numb
Action	Planning, communicating, nurturing	Constructive communication, acceptance of differences, continued education in marriage	Neglect, failure to deal with problems	Blaming, destructive, critical, physical
Climate	New beginnings, focused on the future, caring, intimate	Supportive, understanding, relaxed, sense of togetherness, intimate	Disengaged, focused on self	Volatile, bitter, detached

*based on Gary Chapman’s Four Seasons of Marriage

Into Me You See

Often in relationships we find ways to protect ourselves.

We may have history of painful relationships and safeguard from reoccurrence.

We may have been hurt in a current relationship and cope in defense mode.

And as we look at our relationships and marriages, we realize we are not connecting.

We do not communicate well, do not spend quality time together and do not trust.

Our wall of protection is built brick by brick with anger, anxiety, depression, addictions, and distorted beliefs.

This is what we allow others to see-only the surface.

The person behind the wall is who we really are.

We may occasionally peak over our protective boundary, allowing others to catch a glimpse of us.  But as a rule, we hide behind our wall, isolated.  

Healthy relationships involve intimacy.

Healing includes tearing down your wall and developing intimate relationships.

Intimacy= Into me you see

Who do you allow to see you?

If you need help tearing down your wall, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

This is Where the Healing Begins

If we open our eyes to what we do not want to see surrounding us...

People are struggle to find acceptance and love.

Individuals are weighted by guilt, unable to forgive.

Spouses are strangers.

Children are consumed by so much pain that they inflict harm upon themselves just to feel in control.

We have all experienced pain.  We all need someone on whom we can depend.

Where do you turn?

Friends and family can be great resources.

Counselors provide a safe and welcoming haven for healing.

Churches offer environments and teach application of the word.

And there is Jesus!

He is the perfect parent and best friend.

He is the Mighty Counselor and Ultimate Healer.

He is the Word.

Reach out to your family and friends.

Seek counselors and community for assistance.

Turn to Jesus continuously for he is the source of healing.

When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there… As soon as they got out of the boat, people recognized Jesus… They ran throughout that whole region and carried the sick on mats to wherever they heard he was… And wherever he went—into villages, towns or countryside—they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed. (Mark 6:53-56)

All of My Days

Whether The Bold and the Beautiful, One Life to Live, or Days of Our Lives, I bet at some point you have checked out or even become enthralled with some of television’s sassiest soap operas.  Don’t deny it…even House sneaks in a break to catch his show.

So, what is it that makes them so captivating and causes millions to stay tuned in for decades? 

What is it about television daytime drama that we can relate to?

I certainly hope for most of us that it isn’t the eight husbands and eleven marriages that Susan Lucci has had on All My Children!

Here are my theories directly linked to the titles of the shows:

The Young and the Restless

We desire the days of limited responsibilities and can be so restless in our relationships and current life situations.  We are jonesing for more and better times. 

What is the void leaving us restless and unsatisfied despite all our efforts?

The Bold and the Beautiful

Oh, to be beautiful like those models in the magazines and television, courageously outspoken, drawing the attention and adoration of others.  Acceptance!

We were not made to look like a photo that has been digitally edited to unrealistic expectations.  

Who will accept me for who I am today?

One Life to Live

No regrets and no time to be unhappy.  If it is not working for me, then move on without effort to analyze the roots.

Stop and assess.  Be mindful.  Sprinting for happiness in another location will only lead to a marathon.  

Where can I turn?

All My Children

We get married, have kids, get divorced, have kids, and we are one big blended family.

This is not easy stuff.  What we create today is passed down in generations.  

Whose child am I and what should I teach my children?

Days of Our Lives

Never a dull moment.  Drama, drama, drama. 

One tragedy or lie builds on another and it can become a snowball effect.  This is exhausting!

Who will walk beside me all of my days?

As the World Turns

There is something out there to focus on other than me.  Some of the true reasons for all day time drama success-ESCAPE.

Where can I find peace?

Yes, I know, I left out General Hospital…I am truly stumped.

But, I do know the Ultimate Healer and resource for answers to all of these questions.  

Do you? 

Taming of Your Shrew

In light of the month of luv, I wanted to dedicate some time to relationships.

Today, I opened my bible and found two tickets to the Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare.  These tickets are symbolic for two reasons: one, a rare date experience that my husband and I shared now that we have children and two, this play was extremely insightful-an unexpected revelation into relationships.

Have you ever seen this play?  High level overview: Girl is not the warmest and friendliest, but man falls in love anyway.  Girl and man get married.  Girl and man butt heads.  Man uses a little reverse psychology.  Girl softens.  Couple lives happily.

Yes, the woman in this story is the shrew and Shakespeare is speaking to his audience about wifely obedience, but I am broadening this scope here for a moment.

So what is a shrew?  A shrew is a mammal that looks somewhat like a long nosed mouse.  They are known to be fiercely territorial creatures that drive off rivals, only coming together with other shrews to mate.  So in quick, they are not social butterflies nor cuddly creatures.

Ever feel that you are living with a shrew?  Think you may be one?

Well, unlike these mammals, we are made for intimacy with a heavenly father and with each other.  We may each desire different levels of interaction at different times, but we are not made to be territorial with our emotions or our space.

Is this how you interact with those in which you have a relationship?  Do you bite the hand that reaches out to you?  Do you react to a bite with another bite?

First know that you cannot tame your partner and I don't recommend reverse psychology as a rule, but you can work on yourself which will in turn impact your relationship and open new doors for your partner to enter.

If you want to give your partner a real gift this Valentines Day, assess where you are in relation to a shrew.  Begin to recognize the number of times you turn toward your partner in appreciation versus frustration.  Make an effort to ensure that the percentage of times you speak to your partner in love and affection far exceed that in which you lash out.  And, for everyone's sake, no biting!

Just As You Are

“What is wrong with me?! “

Have you ever found yourself asking that question?

We often struggle from rejection by assuming the problem lies in our behavior, appearance, sexual appeal, personality or other qualities. We think, “The reason I am hurting and where I am today is my fault.”

This is where a little rational emotive therapy may come in good use.  We basically ask, is this statement rational or logical?  For example:

Is it the fault of the child who was abandoned by its parents? 

Is there something wrong with the girl who never received a hug? 

Those seem easy, right?  It is certainly not the fault of the children. But those who were abandoned in their youth may not see these questions easily answered.

Or what about the woman whose husband chooses pornography over intimacy with his wife?

Is there something wrong with the wife?  Those of us who have a good friend in this situation may quickly speak up and say something like-“Heck, no!”  She is a knock out.  That guy is completely off his rocker.”

But, guess what.  That is often not what the wife thinks or feels.  Some of her biggest struggles now lie in her self-worth and self-image.  

And after work toward accepting that some thoughts are not rational, there remains an additional lingering question that cuts to the heart of the issue.

Who will love me for who I am?

I want to encourage you to check out JJ Heller and her song, “What Love Really Means” in reference to this question.

Sometimes, the right music can be the best therapy.

Fortress of Solitude

Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."  Mark 6:31

At times many of us have difficulty describing how we feel.  Some are careful not to use labeling words such as depressed or anxious.  These are words that are just a little too intimate or scary.

What we do find easy to say is "I am stressed!"  Stress seems universal.

Life can be pretty overwhelming.  (You may be thinking I am not sharing anything new with you.)  

What do you do to handle stress?  

What are your methods of self-care?  

As counselors, we can spew off a variety of ways we know to assist in reducing stress.  We may tell you to exercise, practice in relaxation techniques, journal, take a vacation, go to bed earlier, and so on.

The Ultimate Counselor has another method of self-care that He himself used when He took the form of man.  Even Jesus, the Living God, got overwhelmed-but it is what he did that was key.

Jesus deliberately sought solitude.  He found a quiet place to be with the Heavenly Father, to abide and to listen. 

He was often distracted from the time He planned to pray.  But, when done with what threw a kink in His day (we all have those), He completed what He knew to be essential.  (Mark 6:32-46)

If even Jesus needed to set aside time with God to maintain equilibrium...

Maybe time with God should be at the top of our self-care list.

After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray. (Mark 6:46)

On What Do You Meditate?

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8 


Recently my 10 month old son had a high fever.  It was a terrible experience and he cried in discomfort.  His fever remained high for 3 days. When it finally subsided and I was relieved; he still was not happy.  He continued to cry and I could not figure out what was wrong.  So, thinking I must be missing something, I took him back to the doctor.  Everything checked out.  He was on the mend.  So why was he still crying?  The doctor told me I would have work over the next few days to reinforce positive behaviors and get him back on task of expressing his needs without crying.  


Simply put, he was stuck in miserable mode. 


I can relate to being stuck in miserable mode. In fact, it is easy to remain focused on the bad in our lives and forget the many good things right in front of us.  


We don't want to look at what is positive.  


We want to wallow and sulk because sometimes we just feel entitled.  Sometimes we forget how to switch gears.  And, once we are down, it is hard to get back up and even harder to do it on our own.


In Philippians, Paul instructs the church at Philippi to meditate.  Now this is a word that almost all of us will accept in today's time.  It means to train the mind to be in a mode of consciousness in order to realize a benefit. 


What if we were to train our minds to focus on the list Paul has given?  


What if we meditated on what is true, noble, just, pure, lovely and worthy of praise?  


What would be the benefits?