A Day Off

After 8 months of being at home with my kiddos, working long hours and rarely slowing down, I officially received my "day off." For those of you who stay at home with your kids, share this idea with your husbands. My husband has constituted a Mom Day off once a month for me to completely disappear from home and rest. Thank you, Lord for this awesome man!

What I learned on my day off was these things:

1. You can lose yourself in the tasks of taking care of others.
It is an amazing privileged to be a SAHM (isn't that cool we have an acronym!) and home maker. I can't thank God enough for the blessings of hearing the little toddler insights and phrases of the day that I may or may not otherwise hear second hand. It makes me smile to see my two-year old son help a little girl up on the play ground. He is a sweet gentleman and no other job could bring the joy such as that from watching our kids flourish.

However, I realize it is very easy to focus on my kids, taking care of the house, and being supportive of my husband at the expense myself. Don't get me wrong. I now have opportunities to be in bible studies while the kids are watched and opportunities for dinners with the ladies, but I am talking about real time being me. Having my own hobbies and pleasures separate from the family and really beginning to attack that list of things I want to learn but can't squeeze into the daily grind. I want to sew, I want to learn to quilt, I want to have a spot in town where I can sit outside and be with God.

Now with my monthly holiday, I can start to work on these goals.

2. With time to slow down and watch the day pass without responsibility, I noticed that other people's kids didn't bother me so much. What I did notice was the moms. As I wandered around stores and sat on benches reading outside, I watched mothers interact with their children in public. God reminded me in these experiences that my SAHM job is a mission and people are watching. This stops and makes me think about how my last grocery trip went when Nora and Caleb were going at it in the cart or other times when they did great in the store and sang Jesus Loves me in line. I won't ever be a perfect mom, but I will be watched by unbelievers and I realize that I must not forget this.

3. Don't let guilt slow you down. 
I do guilt well. And of course, one thing that runs through my head when taking a day off is worry about my husband not being able to have his weekend to rest. I also struggle and feel bad that I shouldn't need this day. I get nights and I get occasional dinners out. But, honestly, I haven't found much more that recharges me and makes me more engaged with my family than a little break. Absence surely does make the heart grow fonder. ;)

3. A day off can totally rejuvenate you mind and body. Since Saturday, I have had extra pep in my step and days have been fulfilling. My attitude is better and I have an extra sweet appreciation for my husband. I can't say that one vacation day a month could do the same for everyone, but the 10 hours I had off this past weekend was just what I needed.

Since coming home, I continually remind myself and am thankful for the wise person who said "the days are long, but the years short." This I know to be true. It is amazing to realize that what seems like just months ago is now almost four years. And what you once thought was important is insignificant.

Time flies, perspectives change, and God is working in and around us.

I am thankful for this job and so grateful for the occasional day off!

Trade-Offs

As a counselor, while I sit alongside others, it is often easier to identify resolve to their problems than to stop and look inward at my own heart and bring forth change to things that leave me unsettled.

Beginning private practice at the beginning of 2011, working with passionate and caring coworkers, and serving people has been a wonderful and fulfilling experience in my life.  I, however, struggled from day one to find “work/life balance.” I wondered how to give my all to clients (which I desire and they deserve) and my family with two toddlers (which I also desire and they so too deserve).

With this continuous concern, God placed situations in my life that confirmed my unsettled heart as a sign for movement. He spoke to me about trade-offs instead of balance. I was then left with the easily answered question of whether or not there is anything more important right now than being available for my kids. I recognize that for me, there is not. In this season, I am called to return home and place my full focus on our young family and its tender, impressionable age. (I do laugh as I am aware that I am in for some hard work)

I will be pleased if there is a time again in my life that I can incorporate counseling as it was such a joy. It has been a wonderful pleasure and blessing to be a part of so many lives and to see God’s hand at work. Who knows what the future holds and I can only wait and see as I never expected to return home after pursuing this career.

I do believe that as a stay at home mom I will see even more of God’s work and hand in the lives around me. What a wonderful life I have to see so much of his provisions!  I know that am truly blessed!

Luckily for you, writing will be one of my outlets for long, hard and fun filled days.

That Side of Me

In the hectic season of being a mother of toddlers, I have put away my own toys to make room for blocks, Little People, and books that entertain my kids.  Honestly, I believe I originally put them away to keep them from being torn, slobbered on or eaten, but gone they are all the same.

The excuse over the last few years for leaving my toys “in storage” however has been lack of time. 

As a mom, wife, and therapist I certainly don’t have time to “play,” right? 

Or do I?

Surely I do play with my kids/spouse/family. We do fun activities together like zoo outings.  These are nice.  I get to do something fun… BUT I also maintain a role of responsibility in this activity. 

So does this count?

I also place reading for work as downtime. (Nice try but not real fun)

What I wonder when I consider these examples is – how am I taking a break for fun in these situations?

I realized today while participating in a life balance activity that I am far removed from the fun version of me.

Who is that?

Where do I find her?

What would it be like if she were a part of my life again?

So my new challenge is to MAKE time for fun.

Maybe as I pull my toys back out I will find a part of me that has been missing. 

For in this time of my life, toys are no longer just for fun.  Toys are for balance.

Moving Past Denial

You may have heard at some point that there are identified stages to grief.  I have recently been reviewing stages defined by Kubler Ross known as denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.  These were designed to assist with the process of bereavement, but have also been found to be helpful in dealing with other situations involving loss such as divorce and life changes.

This weekend I had a small revelation when thinking about the first stage, denial.  I started thinking about what it is like to be in denial…

Numb

Moving through the motions

Making decisions out of the wrong place

Disavowing any need for feeling

I began to realize that it is a place where we are blocking God.  He meets us in our various emotions including sadness and grief.  When we choose to remain numb, avoiding our emotional and relational natures, we are not sharing and connecting with him.

Denial is a lonely place. A place where we can remain stuck and isolated.  It is a brick wall, a mask to who you are inside.  Luckily our Father in heaven knows us no matter the stage.  The only problem is we are not relating with him in our place of denial.

1 Peter 5:10 says, And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace who has called you into his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Surrender your emotions.  

Begin the process and do not to prolong the restoration, confirmation, strengthening and establishment of your purpose for his glory.

Who Really Wants to be This Busy?

I sit here today with so many tasks to accomplish; feeling rushed and knowing there is not enough time in my day to tackle all my goals.

I keep asking myself, "Why?".  

Why is it so important to take my child to the doctor, get the house cleaned, the shopping complete, do laundry, change sheets, chauffeur kids to and from school, and meet with friends all in one day?  (Let me put a side note that this is my “day off”.)

Why is it I feel so much better if I accomplish all of these tasks?

Why do I feel anxiety if I see the clock running out before I can check each item off for the day? 

It seems completely irrational to me that my emotional stability is tied to completing tasks, however, here I am knocking out a blog and wondering if I will still have time to vacuum before I pick up the kids…because I will feel better.

Can anyone relate?  Surely I am not alone.

I know this is not healthy, but we all have our own hang ups.

So here is my why answer.

I am placing my self-worth in accomplishments.  I feel like I need a clean home, well stocked kitchen, and time to pretend I have it all together with friends so that I can feel in control.

Crazy that I do this because I KNOW I am not in control.

So lesson learned today is that even though we sometimes know the truth, we do not always apply this knowledge in our actions. 

Take a look at what you have going on. 

Is it reasonable?  Is it healthy? 

Ask yourself what you know to be true and see if your walk is aligned. 

Off to clean!  (Agh!)

Turn, Turn, Turn

As the weather warms and spring approaches, I am reminded of other cycles in our lives.

Often I hear from couples who say, I just don’t feel the love for him/her that I once did.

I hear this primarily from young couples.

Those older, established marriages that are a commodity, grin at these statements.  “Yeah, that happens.” 

It is a season.

Just like the earth, our marriages have seasons. 

Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages also has a book on this topic.

Gary introduces seasons in marriage as:

Hopeful (Spring), Satisfied (Summer), Distant (Fall), and Unsettled (Winter)

These reoccur throughout marriage just like our earthly seasons of spring, summer, fall and winter.  The advantage with marital seasons, however is that you can work to decrease occurrences and length of fall and winter.

Just as we generally know the weather patterns with earthly seasons, we can become aware of indicators in each marital season and learn to navigate effectively. 

If you desire to understand marital seasons and you need strategies, I recommend Gary Chapman’s book, The Four Seasons of Marriage.

For those of you who don't enjoy or have time for reading, below is a chart of the seasonal qualities Gary mentions in the first chapters of his book.

As always, reach out for help when you get stuck.

	Spring	Summer	Fall	Winter
Emotions	Exciting, joyful, hopeful	Happy, satisfied, accomplished	Fearful, discouraged, resentful, unappreciated	Rejected, hurt, lonely
Attitudes	Optimistic, grateful, loving	Trust, striving for growth, comfortable	Concern, uncertainty, blaming	Negative, frustrated, hopeless, numb
Action	Planning, communicating, nurturing	Constructive communication, acceptance of differences, continued education in marriage	Neglect, failure to deal with problems	Blaming, destructive, critical, physical
Climate	New beginnings, focused on the future, caring, intimate	Supportive, understanding, relaxed, sense of togetherness, intimate	Disengaged, focused on self	Volatile, bitter, detached

*based on Gary Chapman’s Four Seasons of Marriage

Into Me You See

Often in relationships we find ways to protect ourselves.

We may have history of painful relationships and safeguard from reoccurrence.

We may have been hurt in a current relationship and cope in defense mode.

And as we look at our relationships and marriages, we realize we are not connecting.

We do not communicate well, do not spend quality time together and do not trust.

Our wall of protection is built brick by brick with anger, anxiety, depression, addictions, and distorted beliefs.

This is what we allow others to see-only the surface.

The person behind the wall is who we really are.

We may occasionally peak over our protective boundary, allowing others to catch a glimpse of us.  But as a rule, we hide behind our wall, isolated.  

Healthy relationships involve intimacy.

Healing includes tearing down your wall and developing intimate relationships.

Intimacy= Into me you see

Who do you allow to see you?

If you need help tearing down your wall, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.